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<title>A Barrel of Monkeys: A Mrs. Tattersalls Mystery by kitastrophe</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23223472">A Barrel of Monkeys: A Mrs. Tattersalls Mystery</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitastrophe/pseuds/kitastrophe'>kitastrophe</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Mrs. Tattersalls Mysteries [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>All Monkeys Are Primates But Not All Primates Are Monkees!, Apes &amp; Monkeys, Attempted Murder, Buddhism, Criminal Masterminds, Fake Mysteries, Fake synopses, Gen, Murder, Non-fair trade palm oil, Orangutans, Orphans, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Redemption, Sign Language, Sins of the Father, Sneaky Bastards, Terms of Venery, amazon prime, death by yarn, poaching is bad!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:35:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>404</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23223472</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitastrophe/pseuds/kitastrophe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A non-fair trade palm oil bulk sales scandal on Amazon Prime, you say? Count Mrs. Tattersalls in!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Mrs. Tattersalls Mysteries [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1669744</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Barrel of Monkeys: A Mrs. Tattersalls Mystery</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mrs. Tattersalls receives a gaolhouse phonecall from Tamara, the distraught girlfriend of incarcerated vegan Liam Lowe, the Soapman Murderer*. With nowhere else to turn, Tamara begs Mrs. Tattersalls to investigate the seedy underbelly of non-fair-trade bulk palm oil sales on Amazon Prime. On an adventure that leads her from the quaint cobbled streets of Bangers-on-Mash to the deforested jungles of Malaysia, Mrs. Tattersalls fends off armed poachers, discovers a secret world of primates forced into slavery, and learns the hard way that orangutans are not to be monkeyed with… <em>they’re not even monkeys at all!</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(<span class="u"><em><strong>SPOILER ALERT!</strong> </em></span>Mrs. Tattersalls is forced to kill or be killed and takes out the head palm oil poacher by strangling him with a partially unravelled tea cosy she had knitted on the plane; she realizes now that she is in too deep: there will be no quiet retirement for her. She rescues the enslaved orangutans, who rend the body of the poacher to bits (eating most of it, if we’re honest) and use shockingly complex sign language to help direct Mrs. Tattersalls out of the labyrinthine compound of Mr. Jones, Amazon Prime bulk palm oil magnate. It is revealed that Mr. Jones was the unacknowledged bastard of Davy Jones, lead singer of the prefab 60’s pop group The Monkees, by an underage groupie. Raised under Dickensian circumstances in a  Catholic orphanage, he developed a strong dislike for all things related to monkeys and vowed to have his revenge on his absentee popstar father through primate abuse and bulk sales of non-fair-trade palm oil. What he never understood-- his villainous achilles heel-- is that orangutans are Great Apes, and not of the same genus or species as monkeys. Now enlightened and ashamed of his greed, he turns himself in to the authorities and gives over his compound entirely for the use of the orangutans, who vow (in shockingly complex sign language) to use it to create a new habitat for themselves, and to develop sustainable, organic, fair-trade, orangutan-grown palm oil to be distributed exclusively through Whole Foods. On the plane ride back, Mrs. Tattersalls re-knits her lifesaving tea cosy and reads a melancholy Sirius/Remus romance that takes place after Sirius is released from Azkaban, but before the whole mess in The Chamber of Secrets**. Also, Jeff Bezos wins either way.) </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p>*See: <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23223001">An Army of Caterpillars: A Mrs. Tattersalls Mystery</a>. </p><p>**See:<a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/46842">Wildflowers and Weeds (Shakespeare's Garden remix)</a> by kenaz</p>
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